Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.
When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained to her how everything worked - how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ol boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
During my Army Reserve annual training at Fort Ord, California, our battalion commander was upset that our evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mess sergeant explained that because their vehicle had broken down, they were unable to deliver field rations to our bivouac site.
Our commander immediately yelled for his driver. "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!"
The private took off. It was a 15-minute trip there and back. Over an hour later, he finally returned, empty-handed, much to our dismay.
"Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"
"It was delicious, sir," the driver replied. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I was able to get seconds."
It was early Saturday afternoon and my friend Ray had rushed down to our local supermarket to snap up some hamburger rolls, chips, and a few condiments before another big afternoon of college football games. He was having a few friends over and he'd gotten a late start on his preparations, so he was in a big hurry.
Of course, the market was loaded with shoppers but as he approached the checkout area, he saw that one express lane was open. He made a quick count and realized he was under the limit posted and dashed toward the open lane, but just before he reached it an older woman with a cart piled high with groceries slipped in ahead of him.
Frustrated and chafing at not only the delay, but this infraction of the market's rules, Ray couldn't believe that the cashier smiled at the woman and waved her to push the overloaded cart forward.
He couldn't hold back a chuckle, however, when the cashier carefully looked over the items in the cart and kindly said, "So, ma'am, which ten items here would you like to buy?"
[Good Clean Funnies List]
It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert.
I'd get down on my knees and get into a fighting stance, like a boxer, and start shadowboxing with him. Jabbing with alternating fists, I'd say "one-two, one-two" and he would imitate me. We'd do this over and over again.
I never thought about the consequences of this little game until my wife came home one day from a birthday party to which Robert had been invited. She was a little peeved.
Turns out that the birthday boy's mother had been handing out noisemakers when she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one, too?"
It took my wife the rest of the party to explain her way out of what happened next.
["Life in These United States" from Reader's Digest via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]
Once there was a frugal man who owned quite a number of umbrellas, but they all seemed to have one thing or another wrong with them. So one day he gathered them all up - eight in all - and reluctantly took them in to a shop for repair.
The next morning as he was getting off his subway car, he absentmindedly picked up the umbrella laying on the seat next to him, as he was used to taking his umbrella everywhere he traveled.
The woman who owned the umbrella, however, startled him to no end when she shouted, "Hey! Stop, thief! That's *my* umbrella!!" The man, red-faced with embarrassment, quickly returned the umbrella and mumbled his apologies.
That same day the repair shop called, and reported that his umbrellas had all been repaired. The man picked them up that afternoon, but when he boarded the subway car that evening, to his horror he found himself staring into the face of the woman from his morning mishap.
She glared at him for a moment, then said loudly and sarcastically, "Had a good day, didn't you?"
[Good, Clean Funnies List via Andychap's The_Funnies]
Yesterday was my 44th birthday. I wasn't supposed to have made it this far. I wasn't very safety-minded when I was younger ... didn't use my head much ... and I was lucky to live past the age of 25, frankly.
But yesterday I put on double-fours. My wife asked me, "It's your special day. What do you want to do?"
I replied, "Hmm, let's think--"
"No, no," she interrupted, "it's your birthday. It should be something *you* can do, too."
[Wit and Wisdom, Laughter for a Saturday, Ladyhawke's Weekly Jokes]
So my parents were dining out in a Chinese restaurant one evening with some friends from church and my Dad was showing off his prowess with using chopsticks.
First he picked up a small piece of beef. Then he picked up a slice of carrot. Then a snow pea, and finally he demonstrated his skill by picking up one grain of rice.
Turning to the others at the table, he asked if there was anything else they would like to see him pick up.
"Yes," my Dad's best friend says, "the check."
[as seen in Da Mouse Tracks]
A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.
The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.
The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her about it, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there was a simple, informal test he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.
So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"RALPH, FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!"
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
I start with the letter e.
I end with the letter e.
I contain only one letter,
Yet I am not the letter e!
What am I?
Scroll down for the answer...
Answer: An envelope!
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"
[forwarded by Val Arends]
The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin.
Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"
She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."