Saturday, August 7, 2010

Some really funny ones today

today'sFUNNY===========================

               

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

 

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

 

Identical parts aren't.

--Beach's Law

 

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.

--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

 

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

--Tussman's Law

 

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

--Lowery's Law

 

The solution to a problem changes the problem.

--Peer's Law

 

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

--William's Law

 

Handy Guide to Modern Science:

        1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.

        2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

        3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

 

Machines should work. People should think.

--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

 

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.

--The Dilbert Principle

 

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

--Ehrlich's Law

 

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

--Ralph's Observation

 

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

--Cannon's Comment

 

Thinly sliced cabbage.

--Cole's Law

+++

Jim strolls into the paint section of his local hardware store. Bob is the assistant on the floor that day. "Can I help you?" Bob asks.

"Yes. I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," replies Jim.

"Certainly," says Bob, fetching the small can. "Painting some trim?"

"Nope. I'm going to paint my parakeet."

"What? Why would you do that?"

"I want to enter him into a canary singing contest. He sings so sweetly, I'm sure he'd win!" Jim exclaims.

"Well, you can't do that," says Bob. "Besides the fact it's cheating, the chemicals in the paint will kill the poor bird."

"Nah, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint it."

"You're on!" says Jim as he pays for his paint and strides out of the store.

Two days later Jim returns, looking very sheepish, and puts a ten-dollar bill on the counter in front of Bob.

"So the paint killed your parakeet?" Bob inquires.

"Well, indirectly," replies Jim. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."


[Joe's Clean Laffs]

+++

today'sFUNNY===========================

     

Interviewer: "If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"

 

Applicant: "The living one."

 

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

today'sFUNNY===========================

               

This is a cool puzzler. See if you can follow it:

 

1. Say COW before each word:

 

                 > Cows

                 > About

                 > Talking

                 > You

                 > Got

                 > I

                 > Long

                 > How

                 > Look

 

2. Say COW after each word:

 

                 Cows <

                 About <

                 Talking <

                 You <

                 Got <

                 I <

                 Long <

                 How <

                 Look <

 

3. Say COW before and after each word:

 

                 > Cows <

                 > About <

                 > Talking <

                 > You <

                 > Got <

                 >  I <

                 > Long <

                 > How <

                 > Look <

 

4. Start at the bottom and read the words upwards:

 

                 Cows

                 About

                 Talking

                 You

                 Got

                 I

                 Long

                 How

                 Look

 

today'sTHOT============================

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

=======================================

 

 

today'sFUNNY===========================

               

IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD...

 

..nodding would be considered an acceptable response to "I love you."

 

..the funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

 

..your raise would be tied to the fortunes of your fantasy sports team.

 

..every anniversary gift you would ever need could be found at the local hardware store.

 

..tanks would be a *lot* easier to rent.

 

today'sTHOT============================

 

He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in the basement.

today'sFUNNY===========================

               

FOR WOMEN ONLY

 

~ Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

 

~ Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

 

~ One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

 

~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 

~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

 

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

today'sFUNNY===========================

 

A farmer who grew watermelons was doing pretty well, but some local kids would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.  The farmer came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.  He made up a sign and posted it in the field: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

 

That night the kids saw the sign and they ran off to plot revenge.  Next morning there were no watermelons missing, but a new sign said: "Now there are two!"

PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

 

+++

ACTUAL MEDICAL CHART NOTATIONS?
An Oldie But A Goodie

The patient refused autopsy.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

On the second day the knee felt better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. Also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The lab test indicates abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

A GUIDE TO VERSION NUMBERS

1.0 - We've got a really great new way to do things.

2.0 - We pretty sure this works well, now.

2.1 - The attorneys made us change a few things.

3.0 - No, really, we've got all the bugs out now.

3.1 - We've now fixed bugs you wouldn't see in 27,000 years of using this software.

3.2 - This version fixes bugs we found in the last round of bug fixes.

4.0 - All right. This really *does* fix all the bugs.

4.1 - Except that one. That one really big one.

5.0 - This version is put out by an entirely new batch of developers after we fired the old group.

At this point, the product name is changed, three new features are added, and you have to go back about ten steps.

Sub scribe to marks musing  here

 

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