FRUIT and VEGETABLE GROANERS
Which vegetable did Noah leave off the Ark?
What was Noah's favorite fruit?
What is small, red, and whispers?
A hoarse radish.
How do you fix a cracked jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What vegetable might you find in your basement?
[selected from the Internet]
Gale force winds, a snowstorm, and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electrical wires were sparking and snapping on the snowdrifts all over town.
As a local policeman, I was assigned to the area around another downed wire to provide security for the site and keep the public safe.
It was just after midnight and about 20 degrees below zero when I arrived to relieve the patrolman who was currently on duty. He pointed out the thin line swinging furiously from the main junction box and then hastily beat it to the relative warmth of his patrol car. Pulling up my collar and reaffixing my earmuffs, I took up my position for the next few hours.
Finally, just after 5:30 in the morning, a utility truck arrived and a lineman hopped out. He climbed the utility pole and then descended a few minutes later, laughing.
"Well, officer," he explained, "I'm afraid you have successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night long!"
[Wit and Wisdom]
AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE
An artist who had an exhibition on display at a local art museum asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings.
"Well," the owner began, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I did receive one inquiry about your work. The gentleman asked if the value of your paintings would go up once you had passed away."
"What did you tell him?" asked the artist.
"Well, I told him that the value of most every artist's work appreciates in value upon their passing."
"What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything. He just took out his wallet and purchased 15 of your works on the spot. That's the good news."
"My, that's wonderful!" exclaims the artist. "What could the bad news be?"
"The gentleman said he was your doctor."
[with thanks to Mikey's Funnies]
At a recent company-mandated refresher course for my engineering team, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airline and then discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would want to get off the plane immediately?"
Amid the forest of hands that shot up, one man sat quietly, serenely, with a look of confidence on his face.
When asked what he would do upon this discovery, the man replied that he would be quite content to stay on board the aircraft.
"You see," he explained, "using the software written by my team, the plane would be lucky to be able to taxi anywhere, let alone take off!"
I just got off the phone with a friend living in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning, the snow had reached nearly waist high and was still coming down.
He told me that the temperature was dropping well below zero and a frigid north wind was increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.
He said if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
[with thanks to Monday Fodder]
A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
[forwarded by Tom Knight]
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
The father of a family - who is a big-time techie - got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday.
He also got an iPad for his son. Later an iPod for the youngest daughter.
So when his anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon.
That's when the fight began.
[forwarded by Don Hochmuth]