Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Joyful heart is good medicine…

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "Second Notice" that his taxes were overdue. He hurried down to his local IRS office and paid, saying apologetically that he must have missed the first notice. "Oh," replied the agent, "we don't send out first notices. We have much better luck if we start with the second notice."

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two groups: men and women.

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."  (Dave Barry)

The wages of sin are death, but by the time you take taxes out, it's just sort of a tired, run down feeling.

How do you know you've hired a good tax advisor? There's a loophole named after him or her.

"Worried about a tax audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in the bank after paying your taxes. That's a red flag."  (Jay Leno)

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract ... teach him to deduct."  (Fran Lebowitz)



"There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school."  (Jimmy Fallon)

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. They say he has single-handedly change the way we waste time at work."  (Jay Leno)

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent."  (Jimmy Kimmel)

[selected from]


Part the First

He who laughs last also laughs first, if no one laughs in the middle.

I hear that in Florida they use alligators to make handbags and shoes. It's amazing what they can train animals to do these days.

Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

My oven has a button that says "Stop Time." It probably means "Stop Timer" but I don't touch it. Just in case.

I couldn't afford an engagement ring, so I bought her an engagement ringtone.



Secret Formula

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula"

tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the

fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

From AcraMax Jokes



Finding Her Place

On her way back from the concession stand,

Julie asked a man at the end of the row,

"Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."
Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

From AcraMax Jokes



The Study

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women

talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated

that men use about 10,000 words per day,

where as women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her

husband that women use twice as many words as men

because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

From Cybersalt Diegest



A Case of the Flu
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his
doctor for to get an appointment.
When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he
became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't
see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have
your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



College Writing

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the

new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

From AcraMax Jokes



Ask Jeeves

My 50-something friend Nancy and I, decided to introduce her mother to
the magic of the Internet.

Our first move was to acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told
her it
could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a
minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

From Mary's Funnies



Justice Triumphs

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case.

The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when

the jury came back with its decision, which was

for the lawyer and his client.
The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading,

"Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

From AcraMax Jokes



Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air

waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering,

he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting

on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

From AcraMax Jokes


"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
Save money by using a facial tissue twice - first to clean your glasses and then to blow your nose. Be sure to remember which one to do first.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher's tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that year.
[forwarded by Greg Shore]
The batteries were given out free of charge.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall.



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