today'sFUNNY===========================
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in: "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
today'sTHOT============================
Buffet is actually French for get it yourself.
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today'sFUNNY===========================
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
http://www.mikeysfunnies.com/
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COMMON HOLLYWOOD CLICHÉS
Aliens - No matter where they came from, their entire planet has learned how to live in peace and they have but one culture, one language, one style of clothing, etc.
Bombs - Every single bomb has a digital display showing exactly when it will go off.
Cars - No one ever locks their car upon exiting it.
Car Chases - No matter where you are, there will be a Korean grocer with his vegetables out on the sidewalk for display in easily smashable wooden crates.
Family meal? Someone will get upset after a few bites and storm away from the table.
Fights - If you're supposed to win in the end, you will lose the first round. Every time.
Health - Have a cough? You'll be dead or declared terminal by the end of the reel.
Locks - All doors can be opened or lock-picked with a credit card or hairpin.
Radio/TV - Everything you need to know is heard or seen within moments of turning the set on. You then immediately turn it back off.
Soldiers - If a soldier shows a buddy a picture of his small-town sweetheart, he will die soon. If a soldier talks about his dream vacation, he will die soon. If a soldier talks about what he wants to do when he gets out of the service, he will---well, you get the idea.
Technology - From any computer or smartphone, you can access the files of the villain's corporation. All video screens, no matter the size or model, will show a crystal clear 3-D reproduction of the image. Every single person knows how to type very quickly.
[selected from caryn.com, with my thanks and respect]
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A small girl who had spent most of the day playing outside came up to her Mommy late one afternoon and said, "Mommy, my tummy hurts."
"That's because it's empty," Mom replied. "You have to put something in it." So she fixed up a nice warm bowl of soup with crackers for her daughter.
Later that week their pastor and his wife came over for dinner and during the after dinner conversation, the pastor winced, touched his hand to his head and explained that he'd had a terrible headache all day and his head was still hurting.
And right on cue, the little girl piped up and said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something in it."
[with thanks again to Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh]
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Tired of waiting for their overdue baby to arrive, my very pregnant daughter and her husband decided to take in a movie one night.
My daughter went inside to find seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks at the concession stand.
While paying for his tall glass of soda, my son-in-law accidentally knocked it over, spilling it everywhere. A couple of clerks hurried to mop it up and wipe down the counter, while another refilled the cup and my son-in-law headed off to his theater, thoroughly rattled.
Once inside, he was dramatically describing his embarrassing episode to my daughter, when one of his expressive hand gestures knocked the bucket of popcorn out of her hand, spilling it all over the floor. He hung his head, picked up the bucket, and sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was gone, the woman sitting behind my daughter leaned forward and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
[The Good Clean Funnies List via Randy Walker's Humor]
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Every morning during our coffee break, we listened to the culinary challenges (and disasters) from one of our newlywed colleagues. We usually tried to share helpful hints and tips from our own recipes.
One day she actually broke down crying, explaining that sweet potatoes were her husband's favorite dish and she just couldn't get them right. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she sobbed, "but how do you make them orange?"
[Joe's Clean Laffs via Ed Peacher's Laughter for a Saturday]
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http://mrhumor.net/subscribe.html
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New in town
"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy, "Will you please
direct me to the bank?"
"I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars." Answered the boy.
"Why should I pay you so much?" Argued the man.
"Because bank directors are always highly paid."
From Clean-Hewmor
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Hospital Visit
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new
technology.
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A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large,
intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
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"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
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"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
From Mary's Funnies
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Ice Cream
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said.
"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Chldren's Sermon
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In church this past Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the
"children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what
it is all about.
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"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does
that mean?
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Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful
feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a
happy meal?"
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My son blurted out, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"
From Mary's Funnies
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