~ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
~ A calendar's days are numbered.
~ A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
~ A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.
~ Among the English language's many puzzling words is "economy," which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.
~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.
~ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
~ Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.
~ Birthdays are good for you ... the more you have the longer you live.
~ Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.
~ Dear IRS: I'm sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn't stop, I'll send you the rest.
~ Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river.
~ Drop a piano on an Army base and I'll show you A-flat major!
~ During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
~ Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
~ Have you ever thought that life is a car wash, and you're on a bike?
~ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
~ Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.
~ I always put off procrastinating as long as I can.
~ I don't bother getting even. I just get odd.
~ I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It'll be called You-Twit-Face.
~ I put all my money into taxes. That's the only thing that's sure to go up.
~ If I can quote lines out of the Bible, would I be well-versed in it?
~ If I work well at a diner, am I being counter-productive?
~ If you live long enough, something will kill you.
~ If you throw your cat out the window is that kitty litter?
~ Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it's agony to everyone around you.
~ It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
~ Light travels faster than sound - that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ Most people don't make the same mistake twice. They make it three or four times.
~ Never buy an appliance from a man on the street who's out of breath.
~ No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
~ Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
~ Q: To what use is cowhide most ideally suited? A: Holding a cow together.
~ Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with a skunk? A: A bird that smells but doesn't give a hoot.
~ Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot.
~ So yesterday my friend texts me and asked, "What does IDK mean?" So I answered, "I Don't Know." My friend texts me back: "I guess nobody knows!"
~ Take C-H-R-I-S-T out of Christmas and you're left with a "miss."
~ Tell a man there are 300 million stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to make sure.
~ The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~ The tragedy of Canada: They could have had French cuisine, British culture, and American technology. Instead, they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.
~ The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.
~ The word "aerobics" was invented when the gym instructors got together and said: "If we're going to charge $20 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up And Down."
~ There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
~ Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
~ When having dinner with chess players, never sit at a table with a checkered cloth. It could take them hours to pass you the salt.
~ When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, uphill, often in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
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