Monday, November 29, 2010
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.
When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
[forwarded by Saralee Perel]
Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Bill and Doug were on a cross-country trip and stopped in a little town diner for a break.
The place looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid into a booth, Bill wiped crumbs off the seat, then he took a napkin and wiped a ring of moisture and some more crumbs off the table that someone had missed when they cleaned it after the previous guest.
The waitress appeared and offered them menus. "No, thanks," said Doug. "I'd just like a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have a cup of coffee, also" said Bill, "but please make sure it's in a clean cup."
The waitress shot him a look, then disappeared into the kitchen. A minute later she was back with two cups of coffee.
"Here we are, two cups of coffee. Now which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
[Net 153s Smile A Day]
As my wife finished cleaning the bathroom one day, she noticed the toilet wasn't flushing properly, and asked me to investigate. I couldn't fix the problem with a plunger, so I wound up dismantling the entire fixture ... no small feat for the non-plumber, home improvement-impaired man that I am.
I discovered, jammed down inside the drain, a purple rubber dinosaur, belonging to our five-year old son. I removed it and then painstakingly got all the toilet parts put back together properly.
To my surprise, it didn't flush and drain much better than it had before. As I pondered what to do next, our son wandered into the room. I explained what I was doing and pointed to the purple dinosaur as the source of the problem.
That's when he asked, "Did you get the green one out, too?"
[Joe's Clean Laffs]
At the busy dental office where I work, one particular patient was always late for his appointment.
Once, when I called to confirm his appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?"
"No," I replied, "we just won't have time to administer anesthetic."
He was early.
[Terri Spaccarotelli in Reader's Digest Online]
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I love this one of the icicles hanging off the eves.
On the road there is only about 2-3 inches but underneath it is a sheet of ice. In the drifts the snow is up to a foot deep. I know I shouldn’t be writing this on my blog because when my mother-in-law sees this post she is going to decide that they shouldn’t come for Thanksgiving but tomorrow it is not supposed to snow and on Thursday it is supposed to be sunny. The roads should clear up from that Sue!!!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
I also bought some cute little glitter covered snowflakes that I will hang down from the window sills for Christmas. Our outside Christmas lights are already up but we are waiting until the day after Thanksgiving to decorate the inside. Jacob's first day off after Thanksgiving we will be headed out into the woods to get our Christmas tree. It has been a long time since we went into the woods to get one but the kids are all excited about it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Some of the best parenting advice I ever received came from a book on training children. The advice was to never work alone. Meaning in all our household chores and yard work to get the kids involved and at a very early age. Most kids hate to do “chores” but if allowed to help you with what your doing really actually enjoy working. When kids are little it does mean it takes you twice as long (sometimes more) as it would to do that same chore yourself, but the benefits you both receive from working together far out way the extra time spent. Plus the extra time is spent with your kids, having fun and teaching them how to do new things and letting them know that they are a valuable part of the family. My 2 year old is a little bit afraid of my vacuum. Not something I experienced with our other 5 children because most of our houses had lots of carpet so vacuuming was for the most part something that happened everyday. In this house only the bedrooms are carpet so the vacuuming happens much less frequently. So to help him get over his fear he helps me vacuum. He has a great time doing it too. Cooking is probably my kids favorite time to help. Here are some pictures of them helping me get chili in the crockpot so we can have it for tonight's dinner. They had a lot of fun and that totally out ways the extra mess there is from little ones helping!
Ethan, Brendan, and Aleigha
Tyler wearing a super hero cape.
I don’t always let my kids help me, and sometimes I do have them do chores on there own, but when we do them together it is so much more fun.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do you throw away your old garbage cans?
I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT?
~ Favorite food -
~ After destruction of personal property -
D: dog not found
C: file not found
~ Favorite trick -
D: roll over
C: play dead
~ Unique behavior -
D: lick and drag
C: click and drag
My 72-year old uncle was in hospital for prostrate surgery. He was admitted at 6:00 a.m., the surgery was performed at 7:30 a.m., and we were amazed when the hospital discharged him by 4:00 p.m. and he was back in his own bed before supper.
Later that week, in one of those odd coincidences, we had to take his dog to the Veterinarian because Rex also needed prostate surgery. I asked the Vet what time I should pick Rex up.
I was told Rex would be staying overnight and I should come back around noon the next day.
"Overnight?" I asked. "His owner just had this same surgery and was home that same day."
The Vet looked at me and replied, "Yes, well, Rex isn't covered by an HMO."
[Joke of the Day via Charlie's Chuckles with a little editorial massage by Mark Raymond]
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." (Mark Twain)
"So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health." (A.J. Materi)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
I told you how I won 3 prizes in a week and showed you the first one, well here is the second.
5 bags of my choice of Food Should Taste Good Chips. They are all natural, vegan, gluten free, kosher, cholesterol free, low sodium, with no trans fat, no msg, not genetically modified, and have no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives. I know a few health nuts that would totally love this!!! We decided to try the olive flavor first since it is one flavor of chips that we have never tried. They were really pretty good! I think that they would be great with a taco salad or tex-mex layered dip.
I will show you my next prize a little later. Hope you are all having a great day!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
MY favorite recent messages from
Other unknown’s in internet land
A FEW OPTICIAN JOKES
Patient: Doc, I'm still seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Optician: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure! I'm seeing the spots much clearer now!
Optician: You need glasses!
Patient: But I'm wearing glasses.
Optician: Then I need glasses!!
LAME EXCUSES NOT TO VOTE
Both candidates are just so trustworthy and deserving, I can't decide!
Last time I voted, a war started.
I talked to someone who completely disagrees with me, so my not voting will cancel out his not voting.
Oh, it's not like anyone *really* wins these things.
No, I don't vote ... it just encourages them to run again.
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
[forwarded by David & Joan Kleins]
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?"
One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Monday, November 1, 2010
There is a great food blog I read called Kitchen Belleicious! She has great recipes on her blog. Every recipe I have tried from her site we have absolutely loved. Her Jambalaya is so amazing I have made it multiple times!!! Well she was in a baking contest for Bake for a Cure to support Breast Cancer Awareness and I left comments on all of her recipes during the contest to help her win. As it turns out I ended up winning all of this!!!! I am so excited about the silicone bake wear. I have been wanting to try it for awhile now, but hadn’t bought any yet and now I don’t have to. There was also a package of cupcake liners that somehow didn’t end up getting in the picture. I am going to be having a lot of fun baking! You should go check out her blog and try some of her amazing recipes.
I also entered and won contests on two other blogs this week. I will post about those later. I never win anything and now 3 prizes in one week. Pretty Cool!!!