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today'sFUNNY===========================
PREGNANT TURKEY
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.
When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
today'sTHOT============================
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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today'sFUNNY===========================
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
[forwarded by Saralee Perel]
today'sFUNNY===========================
Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
today'sTHOT============================
I am having an out-of-money experience.
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http://www.facebook.com/mikeysfunnies
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Bill and Doug were on a cross-country trip and stopped in a little town diner for a break.
The place looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid into a booth, Bill wiped crumbs off the seat, then he took a napkin and wiped a ring of moisture and some more crumbs off the table that someone had missed when they cleaned it after the previous guest.
The waitress appeared and offered them menus. "No, thanks," said Doug. "I'd just like a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have a cup of coffee, also" said Bill, "but please make sure it's in a clean cup."
The waitress shot him a look, then disappeared into the kitchen. A minute later she was back with two cups of coffee.
"Here we are, two cups of coffee. Now which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
[Net 153s Smile A Day]
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As my wife finished cleaning the bathroom one day, she noticed the toilet wasn't flushing properly, and asked me to investigate. I couldn't fix the problem with a plunger, so I wound up dismantling the entire fixture ... no small feat for the non-plumber, home improvement-impaired man that I am.
I discovered, jammed down inside the drain, a purple rubber dinosaur, belonging to our five-year old son. I removed it and then painstakingly got all the toilet parts put back together properly.
To my surprise, it didn't flush and drain much better than it had before. As I pondered what to do next, our son wandered into the room. I explained what I was doing and pointed to the purple dinosaur as the source of the problem.
That's when he asked, "Did you get the green one out, too?"
[Joe's Clean Laffs]
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At the busy dental office where I work, one particular patient was always late for his appointment.
Once, when I called to confirm his appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?"
"No," I replied, "we just won't have time to administer anesthetic."
He was early.
[Terri Spaccarotelli in Reader's Digest Online]
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